Lessons Learned from Closed Doors

Everyone who truly knows me knows that this past year has been a combination of bitter-sweet ... dealing with the closing of DJJ, separation from my amazing students and dear co-workers whom I consider friends dear to my heart! Well, after fighting the change, struggling through transition, accepting the new doors God has opened, and truly walking by faith and not by sight - - - - I have grown to be very thankful for the place I am in life and in my career.

Wednesday will mark my one-year anniversary at Healthy Families and although I have most definitely had my highs and very extreme lows, I realize the reason behind some of the things God has allowed to occur. Yes, this is long, but God is good so keep reading! I took the job with the thought somewhere in the back of my mind that my talent and skills were what landed me the position. YES - I still gave God the glory, but I was harboring pride that I was unaware of. The pride didn't last very long as I began to see exactly what type of challenge I was in for. It didn’t take an extensive amount of time for me to understand that I would be working with a vast combination of people from extremely diverse backgrounds and enduring problems I can only imagine encountering myself.

I remember that as I sat through each training I had my usual “I will change the world one family at a time,” attitude! I was full of optimism and eagerness to hit the field with both feet running! Well, when training was over I had exactly that opportunity – and it wasn’t at all how I expected it to be.

One of the first challenges I realized that I was facing was the “people” challenge. I have always considered myself somewhat of a “people person.” I have never been scared to speak to people I have never met and I loved to hear about people’s lives, thoughts, and experiences. Though I may not always agree with a person’s take on certain subjects, I have always been open-minded enough to be their friend and love them anyways.

I thought all of that would be enough – but I found I was missing many qualities that I knew were mandatory to do this job.

First, I realized the importance of persistence. To defend myself, I am usually a stubbornly persistent person; however, I am not exactly pushy. Before this job I had the attitude that if a person didn’t want what I had to offer, I wasn’t going to force them. That attitude had to be thrown to the curb and fast. In working with families I soon received the revelation that persistence ... not pushiness ... is KEY!

Healthy Families calls this Creative Outreach. When a family is unable to be contacted, we must make an effort at least once a week to contact them. A simple phone call is not enough. We are trained to find creative ways to let the families know we are still there when they are ready for support. This varies from phone calls, notes, drop-bys, cards, newspaper clippings about child development, as well as numerous other tactics.

You may ask what this taught me – so I’m going to tell you. I did have a particular family who I attempted several times to contact over a period of three months ... these efforts were in vain – or so I thought. I have to admit that after dozens of phone calls, drop-bys, hand-written notes and cards, I had already written this family off to not want what I had to offer. I was wrong ... so very wrong!

The day before Creative Outreach was to stop I received a call out of the blue from this family. I was more than surprised to hear the voice on the other end of the phone ask when I could come out again – they had received all of my notes, cards, and letters and were now ready for me. This family has allowed my support in their home every week since. They have not missed one scheduled meeting and have made great strides toward family goals and the development of their children. Lesson number one = learned!

I compare this to spiritual persistence. If you are reading this from the standpoint of a person desiring to be a soul-winner – I want you to think about how important this element of working with people is. There are people we work with in trying to help them grow a strong relationship with God. We befriend them. We Bible study them. We stay up late talking them through life problems. We pray for them. We fast for them. We sacrifice our time and energy by absolutely pouring ourselves into them – and then it seems as if they just disappear and no longer want what we have to offer.

I want to encourage you that this may not be the case. One of my trainers told me these words: “People are human. They have problems and sometimes you are just not a priority to them. Do not take it personally. Let them work through what they have to work through – but never allow them to forget you are there to support them when they are ready ... never let them forget where to find you.”

I pass along that advice to those who work with people – and if you are a Christian – working with people is what we are called to do! People will never cease to be human. Sometimes life overwhelms them and they back off, feeling as though they need to work through some things before they go any further with God. Be patient. Be persistently available while avoiding the element of stalking. Be encouraging. Continue to pray for them. Continue to fast for them. Pick up the phone and give them a call or shoot them a text once in a while. We live in a technological world – so Facebook them or email them occasionally. Send them a hand-written card or stop by their home just to say hello. Remember - do all of this wisely and prayerfully – people do not usually like stalkers! When they are ready, they will know where to find the support they need.

If it had not been for this struggle on my job – I may never have learned this manner of working with people.

The second lesson I learned, and am still in the process of learning, is the element of providing education, information, and options.

Does this sound like a strange lesson to you? No worries – I also found it to be a little strange.

The completion of the first week of training I was awarded a certificate and a toy car. I remember looking at the car thinking “Okay ... and the point of this is?” As the room full of trainees received their toy cars and laughed and chided about them, I waited for the trainer to tell us why our training token was a little child’s toy.

She soon told us. “Your job is to educate, inform, and give options,” she said in a serious tone. “We are to go into these homes and give all we have to offer – but we simply cannot live their lives for them. They have to make decisions based on what we give them.” She went on to explain that the little car represented our relationship with people. Those we work with must always remain in the driver’s seat. We can educate them on how to drive, inform them of the best ways to drive and grandest destinations, and even give them a roadmap of options on how to get there ... but we simply cannot  drive for them. That is a choice each person has to make on their own.

Again I apply this spiritually. As a Christian we are given the great commission of “Go ye into all the world and preach the Gospel to every nation.” While we are busy fulfilling the great commission, I believe it would be wise for us to keep this lesson in mind. We are equipped with God’s word to go into the lives of people and give them all we have to offer. We are to educate them about the word. We are to inform them about God’s love and his laws. We are to provide the roadmap of options of how to live for God. Yet – as much as we might want to sometimes, we cannot live for God for them. That is a journey they will have to remain in the driver’s seat to take on their own. Our job is to remain the faithful guide alongside their journey – through the road blocks, flat tires, automobile pileups, detours, and all.

Again, another lesson about working with people I would not have learned without my job.

The third lesson I learned I already thought I had figured out - this lesson being the finely cultured art of boldly asking hard questions and saying hard things. Yes, I do realize this lesson sounds a bit like the title of a book one might find in a middle school library.

The make-up of my job is so diverse that in one visit conversation can and will go from the trivial pursuit of finding the right diaper cream to levels of abuse one can only imagine. It is during these times my training has taught me that certain issues, for the sake of the family, cannot be skipped over because I feel uncomfortable. My uneasiness in approaching certain topics could potentially endanger lives.

There is truly an art to approaching these areas of another’s life and it requires me to step outside of my comfort zone to do. My biggest dilemma in conquering this skill at first was my fear of being considered “nosy,” or “judgmental.” I was soon taught through training and experience that the manner in which people are approached while being asked “hard” things and being told “hard” things, makes all the difference.

I am still in the process of sharpening this skill. There is no absolute cookie-cutter way to approach every person; however I have discovered that when people discern your approach is with genuine concern and empathy and not from a rigid, judgmental standpoint, they are more likely to remain open to the message or lesson you are trying to communicate.

This is another lesson I have transitioned from natural to spiritual. There is no denying that as a Christian bearing the word of God, there are going to be times where conversation with a person may go from a surfaced “God is good,” to the opportunity to deliver to a person the very words they need to hear that may make the difference between their final destination of Heaven or Hell.

While witnessing and ministering to people I have often found myself tip-toeing around sensitive topics with people to avoid potentially offending someone or even the possibility of being rejected by that person. That is one area where I could have used the skill I have just begun to learn. Despite the way a person chooses to react to the questions asked or the statements made – we must sometimes learn to ask those questions and make those statements anyways – remembering that sincerity within the delivery goes a long way. Our inability to step beyond our own comfort zone may put eternal lives in danger.

I have also learned that people, for the most part, appreciate a person who is bold enough and cares enough about them, to be real with them.

The fourth lesson– which I consider to be the lesson of all lessons – came with being broken and torn. In simplicity, this job has taught me more humility than I feel I have learned anywhere else throughout the span of my entire life.

Oddly enough, I am most thankful for this lesson.

See, I mentioned in the beginning of this writing that this job uncovered a pride I didn’t even know existed. Somewhere in my subconscious mind I had given myself credit for attaining this job and geared the credit toward any talents or skills I thought I possessed.

By the time this lesson began to sink in I felt like I had gone extra rounds with the heavy-weight champion of the world, been put repeatedly through a bone-grinder, and then dumped onto an abandoned island to suffer alone. That’s a dreary thought, huh? Although this depiction of my feelings might seem a bit dramatic – I can assure you what I have depicted is exactly, if not more so, how I truly felt.

Why? Well, this type of work does not take long to convince a person who thought they were capable of “saving the world,” that they have absolutely no capability whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong, I never doubted that God was doing something through all of this, I just had no idea what.

The best word that comes to mind to describe how I began to feel after the honeymoon stage of this job wore off is inadequate. I felt inadequate while educating the families. I felt inadequate in the office and paperwork portion of the job. I actually began to feel so inadequate at the job that I sat at my desk one day and allowed defeat to wash over me and tears to begin to fall. Those who know me know that I am actually not one to cry when challenges get hard; however, I was broken in a way I had never known before.

This feeling continued and I felt lost within God’s handiwork – unable to see what He was doing, where He was taking me, or what He was trying to tell me. Until one day, after leaving a family’s home, I began to speak to God in my car. I had a 45-minute drive, so my talk with God got pretty in-depth.

“What do you want from me?” I literally pounded the steering wheel in frustration and defeat. “I just can’t do this! I just can’t do this on my own. I’m inadequate. I don’t know how.”

It was then a breakthrough began to take place. God gently whispered to my soul “Exactly.”

That was exactly it. Everything I had done to that point was being done with a hidden, prideful attitude that “I” was the one who was doing everything and that “my” skills and abilities alone would accomplish the job that needed to be done. God needed me to learn, maybe even re-learn, that alone I can do nothing. Alone, I am nothing more than an inadequate vessel. A vessel cannot fill itself. A vessel cannot pour itself out. A vessel is very simply that – a vessel. It takes the hands of the master to utilize the vessel in the manner the master sees fit.

Humility was the most painful of all of the lessons I have learned so far at my job, but for sure the most necessary.

I said all of that to say this: While working at DJJ I became quite comfortable with my life. I faced all of the challenges there were to face there – I met them and in some ways exceeded them. There was nothing left for me to learn at that place in my life – yet I had so much more that I needed to learn to fulfill the purpose God has for me.

He closed that door of my life and opened this one. It took a lot of struggle to understand why – and there is the great possibility I still do not know all of the reasons why. To this point, though, I know God placed me at this position to learn some very valuable skills in order to be more usable for the work He has called me to do.

Many times the most valuable of life’s lessons come at a painful cost and in darkness so bleak we are unable to identify them for what they are. That is ... until God turns the lights on and allows us to see the lessons learned from closed doors. 

Best Laid Plans

“I am going to get as far away from this town as I can,” I said with seething indignation when asked what I had planned to do after high school. “I am going to become a world renowned investigative reporter for the New York Times.”

Not a single soul, no matter how persuasive, could have convinced me that the plans I made in my early teenage years were anything but set in stone. I had inherited my mother’s iron-willed stubbornness and my father’s determined work ethic. Armed with these characteristics, nothing could stand in my way. Nothing except God, that is.

I put my nose to the grindstone when I entered high school and worked tirelessly to do what it would take to make my plans a reality. I graduated with honors, served as the editor-and-and chief of my high school newspaper, and worked an after-school job at the local paper in town

I was accepted into a university known nation-wide for its school of journalism and my determination and drive landed me the immediate favor of the journalism professor, front-page news pieces, a summer internship in California, and the promise of a scholarship to pay for school, board, food, and miscellaneous living expenses for the remaining three years of college.

My plans were falling right into place … or so I thought.

While visiting home during Christmas break, I received a call from the finance department at the school stating that I must pay for the upcoming semester or I would be unable to return the following week. My head began to spin with confusion. I explained to the college representative that my first year had been paid for in full by a grant, and the following three years would be fully taken care of by a journalism scholarship.

The school said I had no such grant on record and unless I could come up with the amount in full, I could not begin classes. I hung up the phone after numerous vain efforts to convince the school to let me return. The decision was final. No money, no school. As I hung up the telephone a dark cloud of despair enveloped me. Every ounce of effort I had put forth, every drop of hope I had invested in achieving my dreams, fled with mocking haste in that single phone call.

I temporarily went back to work for the small town newspaper and then accepted a position as a journalist and photographer for a newspaper in a neighboring town. In route to work one morning I had gotten caught up in the midst of road construction that had slowed traffic to a crawl for miles, and eventually brought it to a complete standstill.

Frustrated, I picked up my cell phone to inform my editor of the traffic jam, and found I had no signal. I tossed the phone into the passenger seat and reached to turn on the radio. The radio had lost its signal as well. “Great, just great,” I muttered to myself bitterly.

The morning’s conflict had pushed me right to my breaking point. Though I was physically stuck in traffic, I felt emotionally trapped in every other area of my life. I was back in the small, one-horse town I had fought to get out of, I was angry at the university and blamed them for the errors in my financial aid, I was consumed with a sense of failure and shame because I was unable to pursue my diligently planned success, and most of all, I was completely broken and unable to understand why my life was falling apart before my very eyes.

I placed my car in park and turned off the ignition. With nothing else to do but let my mind ponder upon these things, I began to look around; first at the surrounding vehicles and then upward. The morning skies were a permeating blue and cotton-like clouds had already began to form throughout the horizon. The trees were topped with lush green and the birds were busy taking pleasure in the surrounding beauty I had often failed to notice.

I felt my tense body begin to soften as tears welled within my eyes. “God, I just don’t understand.” The tears, as well as my words, were freely flowing now. “I am tired of all of this. Everything I ever wanted to do has fallen apart, nothing is going as I planned, my world is crumbling at my feet. Please help me. Lead me to you … lead me to people who are real and live for you in truth. I’m ready … whatever it takes, I will do.”

As the last words fell from my lips, the vehicles surrounding mine began to inch forward, music began to play from the radio, and my phone regained a signal. Slightly perplexed, I quickly gathered my composure and continued to work. Upon arrival I began my day as any other, although I knew something inside me had changed. I wasn’t able to exactly pin point the course of events that had taken place in the traffic jam, but within minutes of clocking in and pouring my morning coffee, God made me very aware that He had heard my voice.

“I haven’t been able to eat, sleep, or pray,” a stranger’s voice came from behind me. I turned to see a woman holding out a white business card. She seemed nervous, but continued on. “God has been telling me to talk to you for weeks and invite you to church, but I’ve been too shy. This is my name and number, you can call anytime.”

I silently reached forward and took the card from the woman’s outstretched hand. I knew, although I didn’t understand how, that God had just answered the prayer I spoke not 20 minutes earlier.

Over a decade later I am still living for the God whom I found in the midst of my broken plans and traffic jam. It is hindsight that allows me to see that my life was not falling apart, as I had originally thought; but that God was simply moving my plans out of the way to make room for His. It is also hindsight that allows me to understand that even our best laid plans cannot stand in comparison to the perfect grandeur of God’s plans for our lives.

Proverbs 16:9

“A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.

Jeremiah 10:23

“O Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.”

Jeremiah 1:5

“Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.”

Philippians 2:13

“For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”

Jeremiah 29:11-14

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the Lord; and I will bring you again into the place whence I caused you to be carried away captive.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Psalm 37:5

“Commit they way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”

Isaiah 48:17

“Thus sayeth the Lord, they Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I am the Lord they God which teacheth thee to profit, which leadeth thee by the way that thou shouldest go.”

Isaiah 58:11

“And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.”

Psalm 48:14

“For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death.”

Just One More Time ...

Just one more time …

This phrase can have many different meanings to people, as it did for me before tonight. In prayer the words “just one more time” continuously echoed throughout my mind, accompanied by scriptures from the book of Luke.

This New Testament scripture tells the story of Jesus standing by the water’s edge surrounded by a crowd of people who wished to hear him speak. Being pressed upon by the crowd, Jesus entered a nearby ship and asked the owner, a man named Simon, to cast out from the shore a bit so he could speak to the crowd from the boat. Simon did as he was asked, allowing Jesus to teach the people without being over-crowded.

When Jesus finished speaking to the people on the shore, he turned to Simon and gave him another direction. This time, instead of moving only a little ways from the water’s edge, he told Simon to take his boat into the deep water and let down his nets to catch fish.

Though this direction might not seem too out of the ordinary, considering Simon was a fisherman by trade and that they were on a boat, these were not ordinary circumstances for Simon. He and his fellow fishermen had spent the entire night in the depths of the sea fishing – having caught nothing. In fact, they were busy cleaning their nets and packing away their supplies when Jesus entered the boat and began to speak to the people. I can only imagine how worn out and discouraged these men must have been, having nothing to show for their efforts. What was to make them believe that now they would catch fish?

Simon replied to Jesus in Luke 5:5. “Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing; nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net.”

As I pondered this story I began to think about some of the situations currently occurring in my life. I realized I felt a lot like how I imagined the fishermen to have felt. I, by no means, had been on a fishing trip; however, I had tirelessly been trying to find ways to get through some very weary trials of my life. And, like the fishermen, I had made it through the night (many in fact) with my efforts having been to no avail.

I found myself in the ‘morning after’ cleaning of the proverbial nets stage. I think most everyone can relate to this place in life – the place where you have done everything you know to do to fix the problem, you have used up all of your ‘lifelines,’ and your reserve tank is on empty. Yep, that’s the place. The place in the midst of life’s trials and hardships where you are searching desperately to think of any last shred of hope you may have to make it. Sound familiar?

It is a place I believe most of us know all-too-well. It is the place Jesus found me tonight, and spoke to me, just as he had spoken to Simon. “Launch out into the deep, and let down your nets for a draught.” In other words, “try again, just one more time.”

I don’t believe Jesus gave the instruction for Simon and the other fishermen to launch out into the deep simply to depend on their own efforts as they had the night before. I also do not believe he was telling me to try again leaning on my own abilities. Both I and the fishermen had toiled all the night long, many nights maybe, relying on ourselves or those around us to get the results we desired. The morning had arrived with no solution and we were cleaning up, packing up, and getting ready to give up when direction came to launch out into the deep … to try again, just one more time.

This is the perfect place for God to work in our lives; however, just like Simon and the fishermen, we have a choice to make after the direction comes. Do we cater to our weary bodies, exhausted minds, and seemingly hopeless situation and head home or do we unpack our gear, get back on the boat, set out to the deep waters, and throw our nets back into the same sea we had just left behind?

Reading a bit further in the book of Luke may make this decision an easier one for us.

“And when they had this done, they inclosed a great multitude of fishes: and their net brake. And they beckoned unto their partners, which were in the other ship, that they should come and help them. And they came, and filled both the ships, so that they began to sink.” Luke 5:6-7

By acting in obedience these fishermen did in minutes what they had not managed to do in hours – they caught fish – in fact, they caught so many fish two ships were not able to contain their catch.

Now I pose two questions.

First, what would have happened if Simon and his fellow fishermen, tired and defeated, had refused to cast their nets just one more time?

Second, what could happen if we, being tired and defeated, decide to cast our nets just one more time?

“Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net.” Luke 5:5

I have a feeling, biblically-based of course, that the weight of the blessing might just break right through our nets, leaving us as the fishermen were left, with more than enough!

Proverbs 3:5

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

Simon and his fellow fishermen were not simply amateurs who decided to take a fishing trip. Catching fish was their profession, one of which I’m sure they were good at. As experienced fishermen they had decided to clean their nets and pack their supplies because they knew there were no fish to be caught. Had they decided to lean on their own understanding of their profession and not follow the instruction given by Jesus, they would never have caught enough fish to overfill their two boats.

Zechariah 4:6

“Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the LORD unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.”

It is important to understand that the fishermen did not catch two boat loads of fish because of their expertise. God was the provider of the fish for Simon and the fishermen, just as He is the provider of our blessings.

Galatians 6:9

“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

Casting our nets into the deep … trying again just one more time … may become trying again, and again, and again, and so on; however, the word encourages us not to give up.

Ephesians 3:20-21

“Now unto him that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.”

The Great Unknown

In reflecting where I was this time last year, I found a journal entry of thanksgiving made October 25, 2011 ... just one year ago – the following is a compilation of testimonies of what the Lord did for me after months of being in where I labeled “The Great Unknown.”

(Excuse errors - I was typing fast trying to get all of the words out as they were coming to me ...)

In May 2011 my life of familiarity and routine was completely turned upside down. 

It was bright and early the morning that I entered the teacher’s “fishbowl” and every set of eyes in the room turned to me. Of course, I greeted them with my typical cheery “Mornin!” As I began to settle myself into my desk I heard one of my co-workers say “she doesn’t know ...” Now, these words are never good to hear and I immediately took notice of the glum faces of my co-workers, whom I more intimately considered to be my friends.

“Know what?” I asked.

“Well, we’re losing our jobs,” Mr. Dan, the school’s History teacher, replied quite matter-of-factly.

I stood for a moment and searched each face without finding a trace of humor. I don’t quite remember what I said back, but I knew right away I needed to get into a place where I could talk to God. I walked into the teacher’s bathroom and began to pray. I immediately had a sense of peace about the situation; however, there was also an understanding that this peace would not come with a quick-fix resolution. I knew this peace was to carry me through some times I soon labeled to be “The Great Unknown.”

Days without hearing word about the destiny of our careers at the Department of Juvenile Justice passed, turning into weeks, and ultimately months. We eventually received the finality of the decision and in an almost zombie-like state we began the transition from Juvenile Justice Facility into ghost town, as our beloved kids began to be shipped away with little notice, our resources began to be packed up, and our jobs began to dwindle to the end.

Now, many do not understand the turmoil we endured during this time. This place of employment was not simply a job to most of us, it was a calling. The loss of this job stripped me, and many of my co-workers of their sense of belonging and purpose. “Where would we go?” “What would we do?” “What would be next, and how could it compare to here?”

The teachers, for the most part, shared a family-like bond with one another. Our boss, our principal – Carol – couldn’t have been a better leader. The children, misunderstood by most, were completely understood and loved by our close-knit team. We loved our jobs and actually looked forward to each day. Many cannot say that about their place of employment.

I watched sadly as students were either discharged early or bussed to another program; as the officers found other places of employment; as my fellow teachers packed up their materials and made their way to other schools to teach. I watched right down to the very last day of teaching and cleaning – and found myself amongst the few who stayed until the bitter-sweet end.

Driving to work on the last morning was tearful; however, I was unable to think too in depth about my future until my career at DJJ had so quickly become my past. The first morning I awoke after the closing of DJJ, I got ready just as any other day; however, my drive this morning took me past the place I had grown accustomed to driving to each day. My destination this morning was the unemployment office.

“What am I going to do here,” I thought to myself as I pulled into the parking lot. “What is next?”

I asked that questions dozens of times through the coming days and seemingly more so with each “hard-knock,” that followed. I lived approximately 28-miles round-trip from town – which wouldn’t have been so bad, except that my car was operating only on prayers. Each and every time my car started and made it a mile I was thanking God for a mile I wasn’t stranded on the side of the road. Dozens of job applications received no reply. Unemployment was less than half of what I was accustomed to living on – and definitely not enough to move closer to town, or purchase a new, more reliable vehicle. The “knocks” kept piling up.

Yet – the peace God shadowed me with that very first morning of this spiraling trip through “The Great Unknown” remained with me. “Lord, I don’t know where you are taking me, and I don’t know what I am going to have to go through to get there, but I trust you.” I said this to the Lord time and time again – making sure I meant every single word.

It was only the peace of God that allowed me to trust Him, because there certainly appeared to be absolutely no other way out of this “mess,” that my life spiraled into. Well, actually, there were a few opportunities that came my way to relocate, opportunities with great potential that would have solved all of my problems. However, these opportunities were declined by the Lord – and I was left continuing to meander through my “Great Unknown.”

I also want to add to those reading – in this place of “The Great Unknown,” it felt as though my prayers were bouncing off the clouds and as though the Lord was watching from afar, but not speaking to me. Maybe some can relate to this place.

There were moments I desperately cried out to God for specific direction – for specific answers – and eventually, just for any word He wanted to give me. At that point, hearing anything from the Lord would have felt better than nothing at all.

Finally, the Lord did speak. He spoke through His word in Isaiah 37:31. “And the remnant that is escaped of the house of Judah shall again take root downward, and bear fruit upward.”

This scripture so eloquently slapped me in the face. I stopped upon reading it, and read it over, and over again. “Take root downward, and bear fruit upward,” magnified itself to me. The Lord was giving me specific direction to root myself in Him, to root myself in the place He planted me, to get myself so rooted in exactly the place He has ordained me to be – and He would assure the fruit would come in it’s time.

That peace that shadowed me increased with this scripture. I set out at that moment to root myself more deeply in God’s word than I had before. I set my mind to stay in this small town, root myself in the work and ministry here, and allow God to do what He desired.

It was following this breakthrough that pieces of my life’s puzzle began to be set into place.

Early one morning I received a call from the school board. They had told me they were not accepting substitutes when I inquired months earlier; however, this call they were stating they wanted me immediately and set a time for me to get fingerprints done. I had work within the week – more than many other substitutes were getting.

That same day two tutoring companies contacted me, desiring to hire me immediately. They even were willing to accept the school board’s fingerprints – meaning I would not have to pay!

Later that week a dear, sweet Sister squealingly approached me about a house she found for me. She had brought this home to my attention before; however, it was well above my budget. At some point the owner of the property decided, without ever having met me, to lower the monthly rent to exactly what I was paying for my tiny country cottage. The cherry that topped that blessing is that she required no deposit, included water, would allow electric to stay in her name so I could avoid an electric deposit, and said I could move my things in immediately and not pay her a penny until the beginning of the month.

My human nature kicked in, and I immediately began to doubt ... it just seemed too good to be true. In the back of my mind I tucked away thoughts that this place just had to be a dump overrun by roaches and other miscellaneous creatures; however, upon meeting the owner and doing a walk-through of the home – I was exceedingly pleased with the quaint cuteness of the home.

My heart began to melt as I thought of all of these little blessings God was lining up for me. “I don’t deserve this,” I told the Lord, as each blessing arrived. I was reminded later that scripture tells us that God enjoys blessing His people – so I know God was having a good time ... because the blessings continued to come.

The next blessing came as I was pulling out of the drive of my new home – with keys in hand. My dear friend, Mrs. Connie, called and said she needed to talk to me “about a car and a guinea pig.” If you have ever had the opportunity to meet my beloved friend, this sentence would not seem odd. Turns out that she was visiting her family up North and her son-in-law wanted to know of a good charity to donate a car to.

Without hesitation, Mrs. Connie replied “I know of a good charity, but her name is Hope.” My endeared friend drove this car all the way to Florida for me, paid for everything to be put in my name, and even treated me to lunch immediately after the exchange.

As I drove the car home, my life felt a little surreal. Not only was I driving a blessing – it was a blessing that fit the exact description of the car I had always desired ... silver, black leather interior, sunroof, and air conditioner. God knows how to meet the desires of our hearts – with no strings attached.

The very next blessing arrived within the same week. I was teaching fourth grade that day and had just sent the students to specials when my phone rang. I usually did not have my phone on during school – and this particular day it wasn’t only on – the ringer was not on vibrate. It was an unknown number, but I answered anyway.

“Hope?” The voice on the other end of the phone rang out.

“Yes,” I replied, unable to make out of the voice.

“I’m glad you answered, I’ve been trying to track you down all over town and this was my last attempt.”

The voice belonged to the Program Director of Healthy Families. She was offering me a job. I had interviewed there months earlier and was not hired. A position became available and she wanted me to fill it – I would be brought on as the newest member of a team designed to educate parents about attachment, bonding, and child development and focus on preventing child abuse and neglect.

I hung up the phone – absolutely amazed at all God had done. I definitely had done nothing to deserve the bountiful blessings of the Lord; however, I knew that with each answer to each prayer – God was telling me that He is a God that knows how to answer prayer ... above and beyond all that we could think or ask.

You see, walking in this “Great Unknown” time period of my life, I often compared myself to the Israelites as they wandered through the wilderness. I carefully guarded myself against taking on the ungrateful and doubtful attitude of the Israelites – however, I felt as though I could relate to what they might have felt during their journey in their “Great Unknown.”

A few details I failed to mention earlier is that despite the fact that my income on unemployment was less than one-half of my income from DJJ, not one single bill failed to be paid, I never went without a meal, and I always had gas in my gas-guzzling car. All of my needs, and many of my wants, were somehow met – yet to this day I do not know how – because the numbers simply did not line up!

I want you to understand that without having first endured these trials, I would never have known the experience of triumph. Without having first been in a place of “The Great Unknown,” I would never have truly understood the scripture that tells of how God directs the paths of the righteous. Without ever having experienced situations of impossibility, I would not have come to know the God that makes all things possible.

If you had asked me in May of 2011 if I was ready to walk the long journey through “The Great Unknown,” I would not have been prepared to answer. I stand pleased that God did not afford me that opportunity. I’m afraid had the choice have been mine, I would have continued in my place of routine and familiarity ... and would still know God on the limited terms I knew Him then.

I am thankful for my Father, my Savior, my Provider, my Friend, my Peace, and my Hope ... I am thankful for my guide through the seemingly unchartered territories of “The Great Unknown.”

Beauty of Brokenness

 Along my journey with God I have learned a great many lessons – all of which I tuck away in my memory labeled as “priceless treasures.” I would have to say the most important lesson I have learned as of late is the beauty of brokenness.

While many may be puzzled as to how I can place these contrasting terms within the same context, I have come to find that the truest beauty can only be born within the bounds of brokenness.

In looking back over the years I have found my most intimate and life changing experiences with God to be during times in my life when my heart was mangled with fear, grief, doubt, loneliness – all of the emotions that have the ability to wrench every ounce of hope right out of us. It was in those times, those dark and desperate situations, I felt the arms of God wrap about me and warm my soul with a comforting peace.

The first time I experienced the embrace of God was in the very darkest moment of my life. My mother had passed away only moments before, and as I watched her slip away I felt as though I was watching pieces of myself die with her. The one person in the world who believed in me and loved me beyond measure was gone, and I felt as if I had instantaneously become an orphan. Even though I was surrounded by family members, I felt completely lost and alone.

I quietly left the room of grieving family, found an empty room, locked myself in, and eased to the floor in an almost distant disbelief. Within minutes the reality of what happened began to overwhelm me and I felt my hardened exterior breaking without the ability to control my feelings or emotions. As the unbearable grief, heartache, and tears engulfed me I began to notice something else taking place; I became aware of the presence of God in that room with me.

This wasn’t the first time I had encountered God’s presence, but until that point, it was the most powerful. I felt a rush of love, comfort, and peace envelop me and I physically felt the very arms of God embrace me. It was there, in the darkest and most broken place of my life, that I found the beauty of everything I had ever known God to be. Even though I felt like I was falling apart, I was falling apart in the hands of God, the one and only who had the ability to piece me back together.

I have never forgotten that moment of my life, nor will I ever. Despite the fact that I had lost my mother, I count it as one of the most beautiful and intimate experiences with God I have ever known.

I have since encountered several similar experiences, and in my most recent season of brokenness God allowed me to see beyond the comfort and peace He provided. He allowed me to understand that the place of brokenness we will all undoubtedly encounter is very important in our relationship with Him. In fact, it isn’t only important, it is necessary.

Brokenness isn’t exactly a place we want to visit. It is always accompanied by pain and heartache that sometimes feel unbearable. However, it is in this place alone where our self-dependence, strength, understanding, hardened exterior, and pride are all lost. It is then, when the characteristics that serve as barriers between us and God are gone, that He is able to move in and work in our hearts.

Brokenness can be seen throughout the scripture. Possibly one of the most known examples of a life that was broken and torn apart is found in the story of Job.

Job, at one time a very wealthy and prosperous man, experienced great loss and heartache. His very fears became a reality when he lost his family, his wealth, and his health. He became so broken he began to regret the day he was born.

“After this opened Job his mouth, and cursed his day. And Job spake, and said, Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.” Job 3:1-3

Even though Job, at the darkest moment of his life, regretted his birth, there is a characteristic about this man that stands out and is exemplified still today. Even in the bleakest of circumstances, he did not allow himself to lose his trust in God. He continued to place his trust in his savior and Job 42:12 tells us that the Lord blessed Job in the latter end of his life, even more so than the beginning of his life.

Though the fact that Job’s trust in God brought him great blessing, as well as the fact that his blessing is as a wonderful example of God’s provision, the scripture that most caught my attention is found in Job 42:5. “I have heard of thee by hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee.” It was in this place of brokenness that Job’s perspective of his Savior went from simply hearing of the goodness of God to seeing the goodness of God with his very own eyes. He gained a deeper understanding and in turn, a more intimate relationship with God.

I believe God allows these seasons of brokenness to come upon us for many reasons. Sometimes it is in this place alone we are desperate enough to allow God to move within us in the manner He desires. Other times it is because He wants us to go beyond what we have simply heard about Him to growing to know Him for ourselves; to see Him as Job began to see him.

 In either case, these times in our lives are a part of the process God uses to transform us into the men and women we were created to be; just as the process the potter uses to transform his clay. If we take a moment to look past the pieces of our seemingly shattered lives, we will see a God who is attempting to take all of our broken pieces and put them together most perfectly. We will see a creator who is designing something beautiful out of brokenness.