The Great Unknown

In reflecting where I was this time last year, I found a journal entry of thanksgiving made October 25, 2011 ... just one year ago – the following is a compilation of testimonies of what the Lord did for me after months of being in where I labeled “The Great Unknown.”

(Excuse errors - I was typing fast trying to get all of the words out as they were coming to me ...)

In May 2011 my life of familiarity and routine was completely turned upside down. 

It was bright and early the morning that I entered the teacher’s “fishbowl” and every set of eyes in the room turned to me. Of course, I greeted them with my typical cheery “Mornin!” As I began to settle myself into my desk I heard one of my co-workers say “she doesn’t know ...” Now, these words are never good to hear and I immediately took notice of the glum faces of my co-workers, whom I more intimately considered to be my friends.

“Know what?” I asked.

“Well, we’re losing our jobs,” Mr. Dan, the school’s History teacher, replied quite matter-of-factly.

I stood for a moment and searched each face without finding a trace of humor. I don’t quite remember what I said back, but I knew right away I needed to get into a place where I could talk to God. I walked into the teacher’s bathroom and began to pray. I immediately had a sense of peace about the situation; however, there was also an understanding that this peace would not come with a quick-fix resolution. I knew this peace was to carry me through some times I soon labeled to be “The Great Unknown.”

Days without hearing word about the destiny of our careers at the Department of Juvenile Justice passed, turning into weeks, and ultimately months. We eventually received the finality of the decision and in an almost zombie-like state we began the transition from Juvenile Justice Facility into ghost town, as our beloved kids began to be shipped away with little notice, our resources began to be packed up, and our jobs began to dwindle to the end.

Now, many do not understand the turmoil we endured during this time. This place of employment was not simply a job to most of us, it was a calling. The loss of this job stripped me, and many of my co-workers of their sense of belonging and purpose. “Where would we go?” “What would we do?” “What would be next, and how could it compare to here?”

The teachers, for the most part, shared a family-like bond with one another. Our boss, our principal – Carol – couldn’t have been a better leader. The children, misunderstood by most, were completely understood and loved by our close-knit team. We loved our jobs and actually looked forward to each day. Many cannot say that about their place of employment.

I watched sadly as students were either discharged early or bussed to another program; as the officers found other places of employment; as my fellow teachers packed up their materials and made their way to other schools to teach. I watched right down to the very last day of teaching and cleaning – and found myself amongst the few who stayed until the bitter-sweet end.

Driving to work on the last morning was tearful; however, I was unable to think too in depth about my future until my career at DJJ had so quickly become my past. The first morning I awoke after the closing of DJJ, I got ready just as any other day; however, my drive this morning took me past the place I had grown accustomed to driving to each day. My destination this morning was the unemployment office.

“What am I going to do here,” I thought to myself as I pulled into the parking lot. “What is next?”

I asked that questions dozens of times through the coming days and seemingly more so with each “hard-knock,” that followed. I lived approximately 28-miles round-trip from town – which wouldn’t have been so bad, except that my car was operating only on prayers. Each and every time my car started and made it a mile I was thanking God for a mile I wasn’t stranded on the side of the road. Dozens of job applications received no reply. Unemployment was less than half of what I was accustomed to living on – and definitely not enough to move closer to town, or purchase a new, more reliable vehicle. The “knocks” kept piling up.

Yet – the peace God shadowed me with that very first morning of this spiraling trip through “The Great Unknown” remained with me. “Lord, I don’t know where you are taking me, and I don’t know what I am going to have to go through to get there, but I trust you.” I said this to the Lord time and time again – making sure I meant every single word.

It was only the peace of God that allowed me to trust Him, because there certainly appeared to be absolutely no other way out of this “mess,” that my life spiraled into. Well, actually, there were a few opportunities that came my way to relocate, opportunities with great potential that would have solved all of my problems. However, these opportunities were declined by the Lord – and I was left continuing to meander through my “Great Unknown.”

I also want to add to those reading – in this place of “The Great Unknown,” it felt as though my prayers were bouncing off the clouds and as though the Lord was watching from afar, but not speaking to me. Maybe some can relate to this place.

There were moments I desperately cried out to God for specific direction – for specific answers – and eventually, just for any word He wanted to give me. At that point, hearing anything from the Lord would have felt better than nothing at all.

Finally, the Lord did speak. He spoke through His word in Isaiah 37:31. “And the remnant that is escaped of the house of Judah shall again take root downward, and bear fruit upward.”

This scripture so eloquently slapped me in the face. I stopped upon reading it, and read it over, and over again. “Take root downward, and bear fruit upward,” magnified itself to me. The Lord was giving me specific direction to root myself in Him, to root myself in the place He planted me, to get myself so rooted in exactly the place He has ordained me to be – and He would assure the fruit would come in it’s time.

That peace that shadowed me increased with this scripture. I set out at that moment to root myself more deeply in God’s word than I had before. I set my mind to stay in this small town, root myself in the work and ministry here, and allow God to do what He desired.

It was following this breakthrough that pieces of my life’s puzzle began to be set into place.

Early one morning I received a call from the school board. They had told me they were not accepting substitutes when I inquired months earlier; however, this call they were stating they wanted me immediately and set a time for me to get fingerprints done. I had work within the week – more than many other substitutes were getting.

That same day two tutoring companies contacted me, desiring to hire me immediately. They even were willing to accept the school board’s fingerprints – meaning I would not have to pay!

Later that week a dear, sweet Sister squealingly approached me about a house she found for me. She had brought this home to my attention before; however, it was well above my budget. At some point the owner of the property decided, without ever having met me, to lower the monthly rent to exactly what I was paying for my tiny country cottage. The cherry that topped that blessing is that she required no deposit, included water, would allow electric to stay in her name so I could avoid an electric deposit, and said I could move my things in immediately and not pay her a penny until the beginning of the month.

My human nature kicked in, and I immediately began to doubt ... it just seemed too good to be true. In the back of my mind I tucked away thoughts that this place just had to be a dump overrun by roaches and other miscellaneous creatures; however, upon meeting the owner and doing a walk-through of the home – I was exceedingly pleased with the quaint cuteness of the home.

My heart began to melt as I thought of all of these little blessings God was lining up for me. “I don’t deserve this,” I told the Lord, as each blessing arrived. I was reminded later that scripture tells us that God enjoys blessing His people – so I know God was having a good time ... because the blessings continued to come.

The next blessing came as I was pulling out of the drive of my new home – with keys in hand. My dear friend, Mrs. Connie, called and said she needed to talk to me “about a car and a guinea pig.” If you have ever had the opportunity to meet my beloved friend, this sentence would not seem odd. Turns out that she was visiting her family up North and her son-in-law wanted to know of a good charity to donate a car to.

Without hesitation, Mrs. Connie replied “I know of a good charity, but her name is Hope.” My endeared friend drove this car all the way to Florida for me, paid for everything to be put in my name, and even treated me to lunch immediately after the exchange.

As I drove the car home, my life felt a little surreal. Not only was I driving a blessing – it was a blessing that fit the exact description of the car I had always desired ... silver, black leather interior, sunroof, and air conditioner. God knows how to meet the desires of our hearts – with no strings attached.

The very next blessing arrived within the same week. I was teaching fourth grade that day and had just sent the students to specials when my phone rang. I usually did not have my phone on during school – and this particular day it wasn’t only on – the ringer was not on vibrate. It was an unknown number, but I answered anyway.

“Hope?” The voice on the other end of the phone rang out.

“Yes,” I replied, unable to make out of the voice.

“I’m glad you answered, I’ve been trying to track you down all over town and this was my last attempt.”

The voice belonged to the Program Director of Healthy Families. She was offering me a job. I had interviewed there months earlier and was not hired. A position became available and she wanted me to fill it – I would be brought on as the newest member of a team designed to educate parents about attachment, bonding, and child development and focus on preventing child abuse and neglect.

I hung up the phone – absolutely amazed at all God had done. I definitely had done nothing to deserve the bountiful blessings of the Lord; however, I knew that with each answer to each prayer – God was telling me that He is a God that knows how to answer prayer ... above and beyond all that we could think or ask.

You see, walking in this “Great Unknown” time period of my life, I often compared myself to the Israelites as they wandered through the wilderness. I carefully guarded myself against taking on the ungrateful and doubtful attitude of the Israelites – however, I felt as though I could relate to what they might have felt during their journey in their “Great Unknown.”

A few details I failed to mention earlier is that despite the fact that my income on unemployment was less than one-half of my income from DJJ, not one single bill failed to be paid, I never went without a meal, and I always had gas in my gas-guzzling car. All of my needs, and many of my wants, were somehow met – yet to this day I do not know how – because the numbers simply did not line up!

I want you to understand that without having first endured these trials, I would never have known the experience of triumph. Without having first been in a place of “The Great Unknown,” I would never have truly understood the scripture that tells of how God directs the paths of the righteous. Without ever having experienced situations of impossibility, I would not have come to know the God that makes all things possible.

If you had asked me in May of 2011 if I was ready to walk the long journey through “The Great Unknown,” I would not have been prepared to answer. I stand pleased that God did not afford me that opportunity. I’m afraid had the choice have been mine, I would have continued in my place of routine and familiarity ... and would still know God on the limited terms I knew Him then.

I am thankful for my Father, my Savior, my Provider, my Friend, my Peace, and my Hope ... I am thankful for my guide through the seemingly unchartered territories of “The Great Unknown.”

Beauty of Brokenness

 Along my journey with God I have learned a great many lessons – all of which I tuck away in my memory labeled as “priceless treasures.” I would have to say the most important lesson I have learned as of late is the beauty of brokenness.

While many may be puzzled as to how I can place these contrasting terms within the same context, I have come to find that the truest beauty can only be born within the bounds of brokenness.

In looking back over the years I have found my most intimate and life changing experiences with God to be during times in my life when my heart was mangled with fear, grief, doubt, loneliness – all of the emotions that have the ability to wrench every ounce of hope right out of us. It was in those times, those dark and desperate situations, I felt the arms of God wrap about me and warm my soul with a comforting peace.

The first time I experienced the embrace of God was in the very darkest moment of my life. My mother had passed away only moments before, and as I watched her slip away I felt as though I was watching pieces of myself die with her. The one person in the world who believed in me and loved me beyond measure was gone, and I felt as if I had instantaneously become an orphan. Even though I was surrounded by family members, I felt completely lost and alone.

I quietly left the room of grieving family, found an empty room, locked myself in, and eased to the floor in an almost distant disbelief. Within minutes the reality of what happened began to overwhelm me and I felt my hardened exterior breaking without the ability to control my feelings or emotions. As the unbearable grief, heartache, and tears engulfed me I began to notice something else taking place; I became aware of the presence of God in that room with me.

This wasn’t the first time I had encountered God’s presence, but until that point, it was the most powerful. I felt a rush of love, comfort, and peace envelop me and I physically felt the very arms of God embrace me. It was there, in the darkest and most broken place of my life, that I found the beauty of everything I had ever known God to be. Even though I felt like I was falling apart, I was falling apart in the hands of God, the one and only who had the ability to piece me back together.

I have never forgotten that moment of my life, nor will I ever. Despite the fact that I had lost my mother, I count it as one of the most beautiful and intimate experiences with God I have ever known.

I have since encountered several similar experiences, and in my most recent season of brokenness God allowed me to see beyond the comfort and peace He provided. He allowed me to understand that the place of brokenness we will all undoubtedly encounter is very important in our relationship with Him. In fact, it isn’t only important, it is necessary.

Brokenness isn’t exactly a place we want to visit. It is always accompanied by pain and heartache that sometimes feel unbearable. However, it is in this place alone where our self-dependence, strength, understanding, hardened exterior, and pride are all lost. It is then, when the characteristics that serve as barriers between us and God are gone, that He is able to move in and work in our hearts.

Brokenness can be seen throughout the scripture. Possibly one of the most known examples of a life that was broken and torn apart is found in the story of Job.

Job, at one time a very wealthy and prosperous man, experienced great loss and heartache. His very fears became a reality when he lost his family, his wealth, and his health. He became so broken he began to regret the day he was born.

“After this opened Job his mouth, and cursed his day. And Job spake, and said, Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.” Job 3:1-3

Even though Job, at the darkest moment of his life, regretted his birth, there is a characteristic about this man that stands out and is exemplified still today. Even in the bleakest of circumstances, he did not allow himself to lose his trust in God. He continued to place his trust in his savior and Job 42:12 tells us that the Lord blessed Job in the latter end of his life, even more so than the beginning of his life.

Though the fact that Job’s trust in God brought him great blessing, as well as the fact that his blessing is as a wonderful example of God’s provision, the scripture that most caught my attention is found in Job 42:5. “I have heard of thee by hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee.” It was in this place of brokenness that Job’s perspective of his Savior went from simply hearing of the goodness of God to seeing the goodness of God with his very own eyes. He gained a deeper understanding and in turn, a more intimate relationship with God.

I believe God allows these seasons of brokenness to come upon us for many reasons. Sometimes it is in this place alone we are desperate enough to allow God to move within us in the manner He desires. Other times it is because He wants us to go beyond what we have simply heard about Him to growing to know Him for ourselves; to see Him as Job began to see him.

 In either case, these times in our lives are a part of the process God uses to transform us into the men and women we were created to be; just as the process the potter uses to transform his clay. If we take a moment to look past the pieces of our seemingly shattered lives, we will see a God who is attempting to take all of our broken pieces and put them together most perfectly. We will see a creator who is designing something beautiful out of brokenness.